I wonder, what is it that I am doing in my life these days?
It has been one and half month since I am back in France. Things are starting to look like how it was right before I left in January, just in a more determined form.
However, a lot of things are in the air, even I am in the air.
I am literally living a life that is drifting. No apartment of my own, not even a rented one and no job!
Am I crazy?
My answer is yes, but it doesn’t disturb me at all.
Everything looks so normal in my perspective. A life is for enjoyment, not for imprisonment.
I had days in my early life that I felt too restricted and that went against my nature. This is probable what gives me such a strong urge wanting to breath the air of freedom every single day now.
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My life is taking shape, in a way that I cannot see it so clearly.
A large part is happening in the bottom, the foundational level, the ground where everything else needs to grow.
However, what it is going to grow into?
I am just so curious. Too curious that I might have been standing in my way and making things slow and more difficult.
I can’t help. Curiosity feels like hunger. I need to know. I want to dig, and I have to figure it out.
Figuring things out has gotten me here, so how can I suddenly stop it, one of the most interesting things that made my interesting to live.
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I want good things in life. I want my life to be full of joy and fulfilment and love.
I wonder if it is too high of a standard?
When I see some people are actually living such a life. I do believe them. For me that is more than possible.
Then why, so many people are living in misery and some telling me to stay in the line instead of sticking out.
Sometimes, it’s the entire society telling me the same thing, such as ‘stop day dreaming and stick to the ground’.
I’m like ??? What ??? Why ???
For me dreaming is essential. Otherwise, I don’t know how to live.
I am truly curious how people live without dreaming at least a bit of what kind of life they want to live?
Are they really all suppressing their desires and urges?
If it is really this way, I want to say that this is really inhuman, even close to self annihilation.
Why do people want to live a life like that???
And they are the ones who complain the most and make their difficulties sound like fate and curse that they can never break through.
From what I see, the truth is that they don’t want to face themselves. Not just the bad things make them feel shameful but also the good things that they truly want. They dont think that they deserve it and believe that they are unworthy.
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I wrote this much to criticise others but I’m not innocent of it.
Just a few years ago, I was living a life while having a profound despair within me. It was only through a health crisis that I was shown what I really deserve and need to work for it.
What I am trying to say is that it is not that people don’t want things. Many times the reason is that people don’t know how and don’t know where to begin.
Even more often times, people are trapped in their responsibilities and daily chores and rarely had time to think about themselves.
The societal norm we inherited from our ancestors and the elders, they are wisdom but also can be a locker to lock us up in the ream of surviving everyday life rather than experiencing it.
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What I am writing here is not something new. I have seen many people talking and writing about these topics. There are probably millions of videos on YouTube to teach the step by step guide on achieving the life we want.
Why are they not working as I expected?
The truth is there. Shouldn’t we all go and make the truth reality?
What is blocking us?
I will not pretend to have all the answers.
The truth is I don’t know. Things seemed so obvious but it looks like we still need to surrender to the timeline we are living.
There is no elevator, and no air ballon to take us up to that paradise immediately.
It turns out that we do need to stick to the road beneath our feet sometimes, but the differences is that we should never stop keeping our eyes on the distant horizon.
October 2026
Creil, France