A Pendulum

I woke up today thinking of my future life could be staying in Urumqi, because why not? It is a nice and a beautiful city. One of the biggest advantages of living here is that I can see my parents and my extended family whenever I want. However, this thought drifted away right after I went out of my room and sat down on the dining table.

It was really nice to see my mother reading, but I can sense a strange kind of tension emerge once I appeared in her space. She starts to panic.

I like slow mornings and I like to be in my head, continuing the thoughts I started when I was in bed. However, being very sensitive by nature, I can sense my mother’s anxiety around my quietness and stillness. It is supposed to be a good thing for me, since I’m trying to be a more composed person with intentional movements. I don’t think she realises that. She reads it as me being cold and distant, and she would try to fill up the space by making idle actions.

I really hoped I was overthinking here, because I enjoy thinking, but not all of my thoughts are reflecting the reality. Clearly, I tend to make things complicated for myself.

I have been in this dilemma for a while now. Everyday, the decision of leaving or staying is swinging like a pendulum. The process is just like today, I woke up with one decision, then it changes with what I am experiencing in life. 🫖