In Search of a Thread Through Life

This park next to where I’m living is such a treat for my life living here. It feels like home as nature and culture are very well integrated in such an unexpected park that was a zoo previously, but no more.

I took a walk again and many thoughts arrived as if they travelled through the wind from far away places.

Since I was young, I found it hard to understand myself clearly. I think this is the reason why I kept writing as a habit to trace my life, so that eventually I will land on some answers that are more or less satisfying.

Today, I had a reflection on my life in Paris and how it connects to my life in Urumqi, which I am living right now. The life transition happened too quickly and they are very distinctive places in the world. Both are very strong in culture, yet so different. I still have such a strong pull towards Paris though I do not really understand the reason, and it is hard for me to give up living in Urumqi simply because of its existence, the existence of its people and its history. There is so much ground here that has yet to be excavated.

However, is it my job to excavate it?

I met a new group of friends a year and half ago, before I left Paris. I still have their contacts and I talk to them once in a while. We are 6,000km away, but I am aware of a certain presence they carry, even from Paris. Sometimes, the energy is intense, as if the distance is necessary to digest the intensity in between. Without this energy constantly entering my consciousness, I would have never thought it possible to find people who feel so different yet so familiar.

The whole thing has shaken my ground even further. My confusion around my identity and sense of self has deepened to another layer.

Why have I been living such a complex life? It was fun at first to be curious and traveling far away to visit distant places and to meet different people. However, now it is almost becoming a “burden”. I do feel some “regret” of being too courageous in my twenties to be too “hungry” for the new. It is making my early 30s very confusing to digest my life and to grow into a more grounded person overall.

However, deep down, I do not regret it. It is only fear talking. If I could find my original self again, it might have been easier to integrate everything and pull a clear thread through everything.

I am in the process of it.