Why Do I Choose to Go?

First of all, it is not an escape.

Going is an option that opens a door for a broader future, unknown but full of possibilities. Staying is the part of me that wants to hold on to something familiar and certain. I know that staying close to my family would probably make my life easier.

I left home for the first time when I was around 18 years old, to go to college. It looked like nothing special, just as many others have experienced. However, underneath the calm surface, I left having made the decision to leave home once and for all. I hated being here, being with my original family.

Sixteen years have passed since then.

I did come back to visit home sometimes, especially because it was still possible when I was living in Beijing. However, after that, I was not able to come back at all for the last 8 years, since I decided to go abroad to France.

It was nothing at the beginning. I did not feel homesick or see any need to come back as I was busy exploring my new life, busy studying, looking for an internship and finding a CDI to be able to stay in France.

Even though it hadn’t been an easy process, I achieved everything. I found a CDI (a permanent contract), found a loving boyfriend and we moved to Paris, ready to start our dream life.

I remember how exciting it was when we got the keys for the apartment in Paris, starting a new journey in the City of Light.

It was a dream come true.

We had no furniture and no electricity the first night and we spent it on the living room floor with a tiny candle. Looking out of the window, the street lights were reflected from the building opposite to us. The curtain waved as the breeze passed through.

Our life in Paris started like that.

It has been 7 years since then. I think I am only realising now that nothing stays permanent. No matter how much you force it, things will only move forward. It cannot go back.

However, we all long for change in the first place, and then realise that what we had was beautiful.

People say 7 years is a milestone, to test if what you started 7 years ago can still hold.

I believe it now.

The last 7 years have been the most turbulent of my entire life. They taught me way too many lessons in such a short time frame, forcing me to catch up with my real place in life. I might not have believed in myself in the past, and therefore, I skipped many parts in life that I should have been building a long time ago.

This is my honest reflection.

Now it feels scary to go back to that place, Paris, to the place that made me see the real me, the unprepared me, and cracked me open.

This is the reason I have been hesitating over this decision, to go or to stay.

This time, I do not have the guts to leave home the way I did at 18, never looking back, once and for all.

Yet, I am going, with caution, with preparation, and paving a ground to build a life that can actually stand on its own.

Urumqi